One Wandering Soul

"White" by force

2010-06-08T09:36:00.000-07:00

To challenge white privilege and supremacy is to seek to redeem people of European descent as human beings and our true cultural selves, rather than as the "white people" we have become in a society that forced us into that identity as a way to organize a regime dedicated to profound inequities. In this sense, I plead both guilty and not guilty to the charge of being antiwhite.
- Tim Wise, Speaking Treason Fluently

Amen, brother!

Strange, but true

2010-04-26T07:02:00.000-07:00

From the results of a test given by my colleague to a student with Aspberger's:
Q: What should you do if you see smoke coming from a window in a neighbor's home?
A: Close the window.

I've gotten to this odd point in my grad school schedule where I'm finding myself missing the opportunity to be in class with classmates and talk about stuff and learn about stuff. I read an email from a professor about what we'd be doing in class this week, and I found myself getting kind of nostalgic, a little sad.

I've turned in all my final assignments, there's no more coursework/reading to be done, and my free time has once again become my free time. I've been impatiently, aggressively, dying for this to happen! It just so happens to coincide with the ending of the semester, the ending of attending classes, the ending of being in school with friends, the ending of academic discourse, the ending of my title as "student".

I sure as hell won't miss the assignments, but other than that, I'm going to miss it all.

I am so smart, I am so smart

2010-03-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

I'm one of those people who thinks that they are very intelligent, and pretty smart, too. (I differentiate between the two like this: intelligence = ability to use information, smart = ability to hold information ... make sense?) My mind is always mulling things over, and I'm constantly considering things, people, situations from as many points of view as I can possibly grasp. I think I'm a very sensitive/understanding, and compassionate person. I like to think I'm empathic, that I've got a "sixth sense", but I don't think I have much control over it. It can oftentimes feel a bit invasive, actually. But at the end of the day, I truly do not assume that I am brighter than the next guy. Sometimes Rob and I disagree about stuff, and I'm surprised. Occasionally, it will initially lead to me thinking he's stupid, but that's just my pride reacting to his disagreement. Eventually, after my ego settles, "stupid" goes out the window because I've chosen a smart, intelligent mate.

Anyway, it has occurred to me quite recently (and several times throughout my life) that many people I come across seem rather ... dim. I know I'm from a mathematical background, and that logic, analysis, and deep, well-rounded thought all bloom naturally from that. But I've even come across people from less hard scientific backgrounds who demonstrate admirable intelligence. However, I truly am surprised to see that on the whole, I think I'm more intelligent than most of people. I don't get it. I really don't.

I promise I'm not just being arrogant. I promise. I PROMISE. I'm really just looking to see what others think about this -- either in reference to myself or to their selves -- and also I want to figure out where this is supposed to fit in my life, how I'm supposed to use it.

Spring '10, man!

2010-03-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

I found an email I had sent to myself about a blog post I wanted to make, back in May or so of 2008. Reading it reminded me of myself from back then, how much hope I had, things I was excited about, stress I was under. I enjoyed recalling that time, but I also liked the idea of a themed season. It was silly, but cute, and nice way to remember things I wanted out of that time. I'd like to do something similar for each season, as it approaches. It's Spring 2010, now, and Susie, this one's for you :)

Spring '10

Song: "Live Like We're Dying"
"We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to turn it all around or to throw it all away"

It's officially Spring '10. (How do we say that? "Ten"? "One oh"? Ye ol' "Twenty ten"?) The spring semester is three-quarters of the way over, and I've been hitting a rough patch, emotionally, for too long. The theme of this season is pressing on and getting through. I feel like butter spread over too much bread, and it's taken me back to the "bare minimum" version of myself. It's time to switch out the dark, dreary, depressing, schoolwork-laden lifestyle and start looking ahead to the good changes afoot! It's time to get back to the gym, get outside, get moving, organize my schoolwork time better, and start making real and good use out of relaxation time. I can practice piano on my keyboard! In about two months, I'll have an MSW! And shortly after I'll be licensed to practice social work in Massachusetts! And classes will be over in less time than that!! And then I'll have the summer to get back to that version of myself I had a glance at three years ago before school decimated it...

Here's my list of stuff representing Spring '10 for me:
Theme: forging ahead and sloughing off the self-pity routine
Drink: iced coffee, milk, no sugar
Cocktail: (still workin' on this one, thinking some sort of ginger/lemon/champagne thing)
Song: "Live Like We're Dying" by Kris Allen
Thing To Do: free classes at the gym, make and follow to-do lists :)
Shoe: bare feet
Clothing: whatever's comfortable

(open to further suggestions!)

To tell the truth, the whole truth, maybe just a part of the truth, or none?

2010-03-14T17:07:00.000-07:00

I'm in an ethics course this semester [final semester, woohoo!!], and naturally it gets me thinking about a lot of stuff. For example, today I started wondering about what it means to tell the truth, and why we decide to tell the truth.

Sometimes we're compelled to tell the truth, because forces out there in the world have accumulated into a salient threat of some form -- you're caught on video stealing, your spouse/s.o. walks in on you knockin' boots with someone else, etc. Lying, well, it won't do you any good, and it may in fact do you harm. Release of the truth is outside of our control, so we go along.
Sometimes it's been drilled into our identities that the truth is the best choice, no matter what. For example, no one found out that you stole a piece of candy from the drugstore, or that you hacked into someone's email/fb/whatever account, or that you tore a page from a library book, and now you can't sleep because you just know that things will never be 'right' until you can confess and purge your wretched soul of the deed by accepting whatever punishment befits it. In the end, though, can that nagging conscience be depended on to know what's best for everyone involved?

Ultimately, who benefits when we tell the truth? One good reason for telling the truth is that a life, or someone's quality of life, is at risk. For example, it's probably a good idea to tell the truth if you've been cheating on your spouse/s.o. and you learn that you've contracted AIDS. But what if you cheated one time, let's say out of a selfish and immature curiosity, and contracted no diseases from it, and decided that it wasn't even worth the effort? Or just the opposite, that your spouse/s.o. is no longer the one for you? What will telling the truth about the cheating achieve? Whom will it protect, and whom will it hurt? Some of you out there may say the bottom line is a selfish one, but I do not think that statement can be universally applied. We each have insecurities and want to be loved and accepted. If your s.o. told you they cheated on you, which feeling is heavier -- the anger from knowing that they did something wrong, or the sadness from knowing you just weren't "good enough"? Arguments can be made either way for all sorts of situations. Let's step out of the "love" realm for a second and consider that you came into a large sum of money through nefarious means, and you gave it all to a children's charity. What happens if you turn yourself in?

We have lofty philosophical ideals we like to think are good to live up to, but who among us is actually capable? And why is it not worth excusing, sometimes, if we all know we're all human and imperfect? But where do you draw that very fine line? We know people are human, and hopefully we're compassionate, but what about protecting yourself?

Yesterday, in between bouts of doing homework, I was reminded of something I did a while back, an isolated incident I have since forgotten about -- something I did out of anger and a desire for retaliation, but also out of fear. I wondered if this reminder was a sign that I ought to make some sort of confession or not, and it's still on my mind. What good does it do, from any perspective, if I confess? If the person I trespassed against doesn't cut me out of their life, have I sentenced them to bear the burden of my guilt in the form of unnecessary hurt, betrayal, and suspicion? On the other hand, if I don't confess, am I simply denying this person's self-determination by selfishly imposing my own judgments on them -- that I am in fact trustworthy now, even though I was capable of committing this act?

Homemade Sushi

2010-02-21T09:57:00.000-08:00

Jen and I had a "Make Your Own Sushi Party" last weekend and a number of people have asked about where I went for fish and how I did things, so in this post I'll attempt to explain what went down.

For starters, you need sushi rice. The package of Nori that I bought from Stop'n'Shop recommends either Nishiki (which we used) or Calrose Rice. I have the luxury of a 3 cup rice steamer, so for me cooking it was a breeze. All told, you should start the rice preparation process about 2 hours before you plan to serve people. We estimated three cups of dry rice (about 75% of the 2 lb bag) to make slightly more than 10 sushi maki to feed about 9 people. This was an under-estimate and in the future I'll increase this amount. The preparation process calls for "washing" the rice which takes 5-10 minutes and requires a bowl and a wire-mesh strainer. After washing, the directions we used said to soak the rice for 30 minutes prior to cooking. The rice absorbed water while soaking so that we now measured 4 cups of rice and so when it came time to steam it we broke it up into 2 shifts which cooked 2 cups each. This worked well. As soon as the first shift ended, Jen worked "Sushi Vinegar" into the rice in a shallow, large flat glass roasting pan (all directions say to make sure not to use a metallic container because of chemistry-related reasons). After the second shift ended, we repeated the "Sushi Vinegar" process and then covered the cooked rice with a wet towel to keep it moist. The directions we used said to keep the rice at room temperature and that cooling it in the fridge would ruin everything. The "cool-off" process takes about 60 minutes. As a final note, "Sushi Vinegar" was the only ingredient that I needed to go to an Asian specialty market to obtain. All the other non-fish ingredients came from a Stop'n'Shop in Boston.

For fish, we bought 1/2 lb. tuna, 1/2 lb. salmon, and 12 large shrimp (for finger rolls) from Courthouse Seafood in Cambridge, MA. Shopping the day before the event worked well. For the shrimp, we cooked them during the 30 minute period of time when the rice was soaking. We de-veined and pealed the shells out. The directions we used said to mount them on skewers so they wouldn't curl while cooking. After two minutes in salted, boiling water I "twisted" the skewers off the shrimp and then cut down their under-side prior to flattening them with the side of a broad knife (so they'd be the proper size for finger rolls). After finishing the shrimp, we put them in the fridge to make them cold. If I had to change anything next time, I'd probably figure out a better way to do the shrimp. I'd consider getting Jumbo shrimp or waiting until after the cooking process to de-vein them (like the directions said). This may yield more consistent results. However, there were no complaints about the way things turned out so this footnote is more aimed at figuring out a way to be better in the future.

What else? You need a mixture of 6 tsp of "Rice Vinegar" and 2 tsp of "Water" to make a mixture that you dip your hands into when you're working with the rice to roll the Nori into a maki. We have a Wasabi powder that mixes with equal parts water to make the spicy, green paste that we all know and love. Obviously you need Nori. We used cucumber and carrot to add vegetables to the maki. We also had an avocado, but one I got from Stop'n'Shop wasn't ripe. That turned out to be a disaster.

I got packages of Miso Soup with the instructions "Just add boiling water". A tea-kettle and 9 regular sized coffee mugs did the trick for that. We didn't have fancy Japanese soup bowls or the cute-little plastic soup spoons that you get with real Miso Soup. I think I would have liked to figure out a cheaper way to do the Miso soup because the packages we got from Stop'n'Shop cost about $1 each (times 9 for the people at the party).

I got two bottles of sake which seamed to go pretty well, but guests brought bottles of wine that seams to go better. One guest brought edamame. Another brought a container of Red Bean Ice Cream and a container of Green Tea Ice Cream. A different guest brought cupcakes that said "USA" because the party was during the second day of competition during the Vancouver Winter Olympics.

All told, I think things went very well. Jen's excited to do it again. There were definitely less difficulties than the first time we tried to make sushi when we got frozen tuna from Whole Foods (I think getting it frozen was a mistake), and the rice didn't turn out as good (can't remember what we might have done wrong previously).

Hope this helps somebody who sees it.

It's official...

2010-02-18T07:16:00.000-08:00

Here it is, folks!

Soooo happy :) We've been living together for nine months so far, and since about three months into our relationship, it's always been on the table as a topic of discussion. Now it's official!

The Color Purple

2009-12-08T12:34:00.000-08:00

[My apologies. This was supposed to go up a month ago...]

I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it.
(I'll let you guess what that's from...)

I have had a revelation!
I can't tell you when it started. I can just tell you that a couple days ago, while at my internship, it hit me hard and woke me up. I've been subconsciously gathering a deep and vibrant color of purple (I liken it to what I think "royal purple" would be, close resemblance seen here) into my life in small, subtle ways which now seem to surround me at just about any turn.
Small, subtle, seemingly meaningless. A t-shirt, a marker I used to cross days off the calendar at my internship, the mug I have coffee/water in at my internship, folders that I use to hold notes and syllabi for classes, rope, a pen I nabbed from my therapist's office. Most recently, I've noticed that many of the doors in the building where I am doing my internship this year are purple. The same sort, the royal purple. So, today, as I walked by one such door, I thought, "Wow. I keep seeing this purple, and it's not typically a color I actively choose to have in my life. Something about it is just sticking to me, though. I wonder what seeing all this purple so suddenly could mean..."
In many cultures and religions around the world, this sort of purple is used to mark a strongly spiritual existence, a sense of closeness to or attainment of divine connection. It's been on my mind for a while to develop this side of myself more, and it would seem the universe is communicating with me that I am on my way to that goal. Really, there's no endpoint, the goal itself is reached through the journey of life here on Earth, continuing into another stage through the door of death. But yes, these flashes of purple I see as hints of the work I am doing, and the strength of my efforts to come.

Cynicism or Naivete?

2009-12-05T17:02:00.000-08:00

The following post is in response to a situation a friend has recently come to face in her new relationship. It was originally crafted in a fit of rage, many moons ago, which, after me being distracted and having to save it and finish it another time, faded and resulted in a less biased point of view. Parts of it sounded hateful before, so I've tweaked it here and there. The gist, minus the hate, is still the same.

Is it better to be cynical? Or naive? Does it truly have to be one or the other? My topic here is exes and the idea of continuing a friendship once the relationship has dissolved.
First off, I will say that I think it's very rare for things to end 'mutually', and on what some would like to call "good terms". That being said, sure, it can happen. Chances are, however, that one person is usually left in the lurch and one of two things can happen (briefly mentioned in "Love vs. Being in Love"):

ONE: Break-up happens, and the break-ee takes the physical and temporal space to heal, rebuild their spirit, and move on.
TWO: Break-up happens, and the break-ee (or even the break-er?) finds themselves unable to move on, unable to get mad, unable to cut the ties. They try to alleviate the break-er's pain and guilt by sticking around and being "friends".

What are some ways we can spot someone who has not actually moved on? Let's see...

A continued sexual relationship with the ex -- All claims to the contrary, this is never just about sex, and if it is, it's a very unhealthy friendship. One, if not both, of the folks involved is taking advantage of the comfort in something familiar.
Making plans with the ex that the new significant other is completely excluded from (and even without talking about said plans with the new significant other before making them) -- Again, if this is a friendship, it's not a very fair one. And how do you explain to your new significant other that they just aren't important enough in comparison to your ex? What sort of relationship do you expect to build after such a revelation?
Contacting the ex and neglecting to make your new s.o. aware of such contact (regular or other) -- Email, phone calls, IMing, hanging out, whatever. And who do you think you are making plans to meet up with the ex entirely behind your new s.o.'s back? And then, how can you bring yourself to lie to their face about it?

Sure, there are outliers who manage to be zen enough to do what most of us find ourselves unable/unwilling to do -- truly carry on a healthy and mutually beneficial/respectful friendship with an ex, and continue to do so with a new love in the picture. Even fewer outliers can do this immediately after break-up. (I liken this to a popular notion called "denial", but maybe I'm just bitter...) Items from the list above can be symptomatic of such an issue. My point is that on the whole, asking your new love to make room (a sacred and tenuous commodity) for your old one is just unfair. And if you find yourself having done so with your new love going along, best to assume that the other shoe will drop at some point. Better yet, just don't find yourself anywhere near this situation. Really, it's only truly something to strive for when dealing with parents who have split up and need to keep in touch for their children's sake. If that doesn't include you, be mature enough to see and admit when you're crossing the line (as far as your new s.o. is concerned). Be mature enough to really take a few steps back from the friendship to show your new love you've really moved on from the ex. Be prepared to demonstrate (if the new relationship progresses to a serious enough point) that you don't actually see your happiness resting in a friendship with your ex. If you have any hope of ever moving on with your life, you not only owe it to your new s.o., you owe it to yourself. And if your ex is a true friend, they should be able to let you take this time without holding it against you or threatening to cut you off completely. I caution that your ex -- excuse me, your friend may get upset. Threats may be made. If this is the case, it's very likely that there are residual feelings not being embraced, and time apart from the friendship may actually be what saves it in the end.

And just in case these words fell on deaf ears because you're actually the one worrying about your new love's ex, a bit of advice -- you have every right to ask for your own time and space, without any involvement of the ex, with your new love to build your relationship. Once you've gotten to a certain point where things aren't so casual anymore, and any sort of exclusivity talk comes up, you can reasonably assume that things are "getting serious", and that your relationship is now an important part of both lives. But don't forget that each and every person out there is comprised partly from a sum of their entire past. History informs the present. Sometimes exes will have been very important, during very formative periods of another's life. Don't pretend like just any little mention of the ex is cause for an argument. And don't assume that someone temporarily closing the door on a relationship has to mean their ex -- excuse me, their friend is permanently cut from their life. Take it as an offering, as evidence of their intent to focus on you because they are excited about the idea of a new life with you. If you can take advantage of this time to build a strong foundation together, then there shouldn't be any reason to worry later.

I think people mistakingly assume that by forcing a situation upon themselves, it will work out well. This isn't always the case. Sometimes you gotta let go of the impression that controlling a situation is the best way to get something out of it.

Free Will to Love

2009-11-28T15:36:00.000-08:00

Rob wins.
Everyday. He wins. But particularly on that day. Even with being a few states away, he manages to still win :)

Yes, folks. Behind every great man, there's a woman rolling her eyes.

[Watching Bruce Almighty]
Bruce has just royally f'd up and is trying to make his girlfriend, Grace, love him again. God (aka Morgan Freeman, of course) explains to him that with all the powers that he does have, the one he does not have is manipulating free will. He's gotta make it up to her and get her back the old-fashioned way. But at a very important scene, he sees Grace asking God to help her let go of Bruce and stop loving him so she can stop hurting and move on. And of course, Bruce dies and God tells him to pray for something. So, he doesn't pray to be brought back to life, and he doesn't pray to have Grace (appropriately named, eh?) back. He prays for her happiness, and that she should have someone who will love her the way he never seemed to be able to.

So, Grace prays for the ability to let go of Bruce and move on. Is it that easy? Honestly, it very well may be. Of course, it's not immediate, usually. With repeated attempts at asking God for such a thing, it's quite possible your subconscious gradually lets go.
Or, on the flipside, grabs on. Say, for example, you've met this guy (or girl) who just ... does something to ya. You can't explain what, neither can you explain why. But it takes a hold of you. Something's not quite right, though, and you realize you're holding yourself back. You're not sure how to make it all fit together in your life. But this person has somehow already burrowed down into your soul. So, you ask for divine intervention. A divine intervention to make you not worry about it, to make you open your arms and your heart and invite love in. And even then, it's not 'perfect', but it sure is beautiful and wonderful and absolutely consuming.
Then, one day, you're like Bruce. You stop asking God for what's good for you and you start asking God for what's good for your family. Sometimes that's just you and a significant other, sometimes it's you and your significant other and your children. Sometimes it's more.

Anyway, if you're lucky, one day you stop limiting your existence to the inside of your own body and mind and you start letting it extend outward to those you love. I'm working on that, letting go of my ego ... or, actually, keeping it and just seeing it for what it is, nothing more.

No room for softness...

2009-11-27T19:43:00.000-08:00

"Goodbye, my love." He doesn't say it. There's no room for softness... not in Sparta. No place for weakness.

Maybe he doesn't need to say it?...
I just finished watching the movie 300. I am glad that Zack Snyder decided to keep the element of the passion between the king and queen in the story. Leonidas doesn't need to say goodbye to his love because he knows she can see it in his eyes. And Gorgo tells him "Come back with your shield, or on it." She doesn't need to tell him that she loves him and supports his decision because she knows he can see it in her eyes. The passion between these two characters is palpable. (I haven't read the book. Is it the same?) They have a deep passion and respect for each other, and they both have a deep passion and drive for freedom. I think their are some humans who are 'destined' to give up what most may think a normal life would be. Presidents, commanders, royal leaders, etc. In order to accomplish the tasks of their stations in life, they have to be beyond human, they have to be great. These people follow a different set of rules compared to the rest of us. I am not quite so stoic in how I see demonstration of affection. But I do admire it so, so very much. To know without having to say. It's really almost a sort of false bravado, though, if you think about it. Knowing what's really behind the words and the glances, why keep up the charade? At the same time, being dedicated to such a quest in life as pursuing and protecting freedom, I suppose there really isn't any room for softness. I think Rob would prefer this sort of life. I am not sure that I would. But then again, I'm not having to protect an entire nation of people, nor am I having to fight for freedom. I would like to think, however, that were I in such a powerful position with so much responsibility, I would know better... I suppose it is somewhat romantic to hide away the expressions of love, protect them within the confines of the bedroom and pillow talk, within the code two lovers use in the public face, within the genuine expressions of support and honor and duty and a greater cause.
Come back with your shield, or on it.

Loving vs. Being in love?

2009-11-09T06:24:00.000-08:00

What's the difference between loving someone and being in love?

I've given this some thought lately, a lot, because I hear people say that they love a person, but are no longer "in love", or that they "fell out of love" with someone, and this is usually when a break-up happens. Two people have an intense, intimate relationship (lovers) for a long time, and then one day, one of them turns to the other and says something to the effect of "This just isn't for me anymore." And that's the end. No more relationship. So there are two options. 1) Sometimes, the 'breakee' doesn't want to let go so they slip into denial, hanging onto every possible last available shred for as long as they can, and they like to call this "friendship." Apparently, when enough time passes without much success of rekindling, someone who's been deep enough in denial seems to actually move on and a 'real' friendship blossoms. 2) The other option is for the breakee to decide that the breaker is just not someone to have in their life. I guess this could also be a kind of denial, especially if there was previously a strong, trusting foundation of friendship in the romantic relationship. They see the damage as being so great that they can't get beyond it. This happens in a lot of divorces, people feel so betrayed and angry that they want to hurt the other in return and it's as though the paths of love and respect between them have been suddenly overgrown with weeds and are no longer visible. This is always damaging to any children involved. But what I've also seen happen after these sorts of situations [say like that of my own parents] is that after enough time, scabs form and the hurt goes away. Scars are left, and people remember, but they don't live by it anymore. A couple of years ago, my half-brother (same dad) invited my mom and me to his wedding. Of course, our dad was there. So, you know, my mom and my dad, in the same room... I warned them both to behave, and what do you know? They spent most of the evening talking and laughing and having a good time. No, they're not gonna call each other anytime soon, but the world didn't implode, either, which saved me a *lot* of anxiety and embarrassment. Over the years, I've heard my mom occasionally tell me that she still loves my dad. I used to think it was, well, weird. Now, it's still odd, but less weird in the skin-crawling sense. I think I kinda get it now.
So, what's the difference?

I think being in love means that the other person sparks a passion within you. But to love someone, you don't need to be passionate about them. And honestly, I don't think sexual attraction needs to be a part of being in love, either. I love my dad, but I'm not in love with him. I am, however, in love with my little sister, and I think the same sort of feeling will wash over me when I have my own children. I am in love with Rob, and I know this because everytime I even just look at him, I feel all the nerves in my body from my feet on up to my head, most strongly in my stomach and my chest. Even when he frustrates the hell out of me, I find it easier and easier with each passing day to step back and take a breath, and then I laugh about how much we argue, and I laugh about how easily I get over it, and it's amazing to me how immediately I am able to recall that I am in love with him, and it all just goes away. I think this is where the idea of love making you blind comes from, so I am aware of that, and proactively working to combat it. But still.

What do you think?

New digs!

2009-10-03T19:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I decided to drop my old 'secret' username and put myself out there. This blog address is associated with my email, so now you know exactly who I am and how to find me! Hmmm ... What's that right outside my window?...
I was trying to hide behind an alias for, well, some reason I can't really articulate or think clearly about right now. That's done. My wonderful boyfriend, Rob, has (without knowing it) encouraged me to not be so anonymous. I've come to a new point in my life very recently, and I've decided that being anonymous no longer serves any benefit, not that I'm sure it ever did. I want to encourage more people to read my posts, so I think the first step to doing that is to make it more accessible. Here I go!

Today was a cool, cloudy, rainy day, and I absolutely loved it. I often wonder if I 'suffer' from reverse seasonal-affective disorder [Thanks, Jess!]. I love rainy days because they make it OK to not want to get up and get out and do shit. They make it OK to want to sit around, watch a movie/TV, clean up a bit, do homework, stuff like that. I say, bring on more rainy days!!

Changes Afoot

2009-09-16T14:35:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to notice
How much this feels like a waking limb
Pins and needles
Nice to know you
Goodbye
("Nice to Know You", Incubus)

OK, here it is. I have the bad habit of perseverating on things. I think this happens because I can't stop thinking about it until I have it resolved, but I have so much trouble organizing my thoughts and articulating my feelings that I continue and continue and get worked up, and then I sort of, well, pop. A couple of years ago I started some guided journal writing, the aim of which was to help train my brain to structure the thought flows and processes. I didn't stick with it, and here I am. My very good friend and saviour, Jess, was offering me advice on a situation I'm dealing with, and the large-scale/general "gist" of what she was saying made sense. It wasn't until much later in the evening (and by "evening", I mean this morning) that things magically 'clicked' in my mind. If my thoughts are in a mess, how can I possibly keep that mess out of the rest of my life? I believe that continuing the guided journal writing, in combination with regular meditation, will help a lot with that.

On another, somewhat related note, I've made some very personal, angry posts here, and I think I should not have done so. I've decided to remove those posts and instead try to get a theme of spiritual/self-exploration going here. Not too many folks read my "online journal" (thanks, Rob), but I don't think I'd wanna read my own either, if it wasn't mine. Sometimes it's a bit self-absorbed, I think. Plus, I once upon a time had a much busier, much less angry approach, and I really enjoyed being able to put something like that out in the world for other people to take (or leave) if they saw fit.

That's all for now.
"Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars." ~Kasey Kasem

What? Back to -- huh? School? What the hell...?

2009-09-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's right, folks. It is the season for "Back to School"!! Get excited! And then let me catch some of that excitement 'cause I could really use some. I start a full-time courseload for the next academic year. New internship, new classes, 'spending' money in the form of loans ... Yeah, I'm not looking forward to it. This is new for me, though. Typically September rolls around and bookbags, textbooks, pens and paper and notebooks are so much fun to shop for. Not so this time around. I think I'm just tired, but I think I've also come to the realization that I just don't like school. I believe it hit me in full capacity a few months ago, and has been sinking in ever since. {sigh} I'm gonna wager that this will be the worst "senior slide" I'll have ever exhibited. As evidence of such, I haven't even purchased my textbooks yet, haven't even tried shopping. Neither have I got my schedule in a portable form so that when I go to campus tomorrow, I know when and where the hell I'm supposed to be. What has changed? School used to be my thing! What happened? Has anyone else ever noticed an ever-increasing lack of motivation to give a shit? (About school, that is...) All I can think of is that, without being too descriptive/evidential, I have moved beyond the phase(s?) of my life where "school" is appropriate. Sure, I'm getting a degree that will be useful for a career, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to connect the efforts I'm putting forth (and the free time I'm sacrificing to stupid HOMEWORK) to a fulfilling job that will help me be able to look at myself in the mirror every morning. Somewhere along the way, my station in life stopped being "student", and I moved on to a point where a career is a (hopefully) less burdensome form of a job, a job which will help me have a happy life with my friends, my family, and the family that my beloved and I hope to give to the world some day. How did this happen? When did my motivation switch from school/career to happy life/family? I mean, I never considered myself to be anti-family, certainly not. But compared to where I was in high school and in early undergrad years, I'm in a very different place as far as "life plans" go. I'm assuming this is a natural process, of course, but the distinction and seeming right turn surprise me.

Weekly postings and things to do with a week off

2009-08-30T15:22:00.000-07:00

I've begun to seriously consider the idea of posting every week. Yes, it has occurred to me before to do so and I never followed through. However, this time, I have a running list of things that come across my mind, and I've been tapping into that for ideas. Also, school starts back up in September, and I really think I'll be on the computer a lot more than I had been previous to this summer. Additionally, Rob and I have the laid the foundations for what is shaping up to be a decent and useful office/2nd BR, so I'll have a place to "work", as it were. Anyway, my idea for this week's post is what plans I have for myself for this upcoming week off. [Yes, I have one, finally! A break with no plans to be anywhere, set anything up, or do anything outside of my home:) Praises be!] Here's a list, and I welcome other ideas:

- Juice/detox 5-day diet -- I read an article in a women's/health magazine about juicing and some of the benefits it can provide. My friend Shu and I are going to try it. The regimen I found seems like a good one for first-timers. It involves green tea every morning, soup for lunch and dinner, juice 'snacks' a couple times per day, and salad, too. A "rainbow" variety is called for, and to me this seems like a healthy idea. I also plan on doing a slightly modified version which may occasionally include some bread or chicken/eggs/peanut butter/nuts along the way, because, well, let's be realistic...

- Finish getting the office together -- I have so much paperwork and nicknacks and keepsakes that I have to go through. Books, too. And an hour or two here and there once or twice a week ain't gonna cut it. I now have four whole days ahead of me that I can use!

- Start my sleeping and gym routines for the fall -- This morning, Rob and I got him to work at 8am. If we could shave ten minutes off of that, we'd be golden. My new internship will start before 8am everyday, and I get out by 2pm. This is only three days per week, and the other two I have class. SO, the goal is to get a sleep schedule going that is conducive to getting up early and into Cambridge on time, and also to get a gym routine in place that doesn't interfere with sleep, internship, or class. Today, I plan on going to the gym around 3 or so, and the plan is to be back home before/by 5.

I think I can do it. I have the desire to, I have a focused plan, and like I used to tell myself, "Just be different." Nobody ever got anywhere by standing still! If you don't change anything, nothing will ever change... Just as long as you can intelligently discern when the time for change is upon you.

Ego tripping?

2009-07-10T13:30:00.000-07:00

My ego is not at peace with the idea of being a wave on its way to crashing at the shore. It does not want to admit the complete powerlessness that is being unable to decide whether or not, and if so then when, to end. So, I believe its last resort is to make that decision. The ego has no self-awareness, though. Why does it not understand that should it make the decision to end itself, it is *truly* ENDing its own self? Is that not psychotic in some way? In fact, I think it is the ultimate example of something being psychotic. Of course, we assume that wanting to end one's own life is wrong, and this informs our view of "psychotic", but honestly, where does that come from? ... The ego! Why are we afraid to die? Because we do not understand our connection to all that is. And why do we not? Because something stands in our way and prevents it. What could possibly benefit from obscuring the view? Something that pictures itself (in us) existing separately from all that is. And what would this be? Yes, the ego.
What is the benefit in having an ego? It helps individual human beings to identify themselves separately from the pack. Why is this useful, though? We have been able to evolve into self-directed creatures which are able to pursue such ideas as music, dance, science, writing, mathematics, painting, building, etc. And it is through these pursuits that we are able to observe and appreciate the true beauty of life and of creation. There is a Sufi creation myth that basically has Allah saying "I was alone [also sometimes "a hidden treasure"] and desired to be known, and thus created the Creation that I might be known." What an interesting idea! Allah, God, the Universal Consciousness, name it what you will, separated out a part of itself in order to no longer be alone. Remember that song by Joan ... Osborne? Must have been a long, cold, lonely existence. No wonder we're here! No wonder we're such an extravagant, dramatic, logical, practical, lazy, industrious sort of race. Anyway, my point is that instead of using the ego as a tool for self-expression and to improve our race through evolution, I believe many of us (most of us?) have gotten a little too wrapped up in our own existence and forgotten where we truly come from. I'm sure someone out there has already had this idea. Any suggestions on writers/philosophers I could read? Some names that come to mind -- Cayce, Dyer, um... That's all I got right now. Time to get back to work!

Has The Ego landed?

2009-06-24T14:42:00.000-07:00

I have a deep and long-running interest in all things related to spirituality. This is not to say that I am religious, however. My own personal beliefs and desires run along the lines of Buddhism with some Christian and nature-based elements in there, too.
I've heard of a few 'gurus' out there pushing the message of letting go of the ego and becoming one with all that is. Wayne Dyer talks about "The Source", the source of all energy, of all thought, of all that is. You can tap into the Source just by thinking about it, focusing on your connection to it, and contemplating what you want. "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." If you stop thinking about how stressed you are, and instead about how blessed you are, your perspective should actually change to the point where you are finding the good in what's happening in your life.
That seems so simple. Why isn't everyone doing that? What gets in the way? Popular theory is: The Ego. The Ego is what separates us from The Source. " *I* exist here. *I* am important. *I* want this, and that, and that, and..." The Ego will never be fully satisfied. If The Ego is driving, consumption is the order of the day. Here's my question, though -- What *is* The Ego? I see it as the result of the physical manifestation of my consciousness. It is tied completely to my physical existence. If my body disbands, and all that "I" am returns to all that is, where does that Ego disappear to? Does this mean that The Ego is inherently transient? Yes, and why not! We know this physical form will not exist forever. Our bodies will one day return to the Earth, which will one day again become dust in the Universe. Can we not describe our conscious/ness energy in the same way? This creature, this person, this spirit will one day return to the universal consciousness that is The Source. I think it was Morrie who said we are each a wave in the ocean, a disturbance pattern in the water, about to crash upon the shore. But the water, the ocean, continues to exist after us, and we continue as a part of it.

I at once find great peace and yet great discomfort in this idea. My Ego does not like the idea of seeing itself as a temporary disturbance pattern, as a mere arm of a galaxy or weather. All in time? This, too, shall pass.

Apparently I have it easy...

2009-06-05T08:39:00.000-07:00

Long time no see...

I've quit my job and started grad school full time. Part of it for the summer term is an internship, but it's basically a full-time job. I have class two nights per week, 4 hours each night. And, I just moved. These past couple of weeks have been difficult, and I am just worn the hell down, in desperate need of a vacation...

So, today, I'm at work. My office is in the basement, and there is a shelter/housing program in the building with a unit right above us. Over the past couple of weeks, on occasion (like everyday), we'll hear kids yelling, sometimes little screams, crying, playing and banging things around. Today, for, oh, I don't know, 15 or so minutes, there was serious screaming on one kid's part, and I could hear a baby crying quite vociferously as well. Then, all of a sudden, I heard an adult woman's voice yelling at, what I assume was, the older child. There was yelling and screaming back and forth, crying, and it was the first time I'd yet heard an adult's voice. All I could think was, "What the hell are they doing?? Why is this kid ALways making such noise? My. Goodness." And, then, I felt terrible. I realized something. This woman had experienced such a sequence of events as to end up living here. Knowing what I know about the place, most guests are at least on public assistance, single or in extreme danger from domestic violence, and have at least one child. Many have more than one child. Wherever they've been, and whatever's been going on, they arrive here with little except what they could carry and their children. They come to a room maybe 8ft by 12ft, with one bed and possibly a crib if you have a very young child. You can lock your door, and there's a closet and other very basic furniture. The building has a cafeteria, but you have no personal kitchen/refrigerator. You live on a floor with at least 10 other women and their children. You share the bathroom with them. You have a curfew. No guests are allowed in the units, though during limited hours people can visit the main building. There's a bunch of other, smaller details that added up basically state "You can stay here for a while, but this will never be HOME." Can you truly imagine what that feels like?
And so then I realized that each person's life is different. Some people's struggles are with the very most basic elements. And even though everyone likes to say that "the grass is always greener," the grass actually is NOT always greener. Stress levels and individual thresholds may be similar, but really, the more basic your struggles, the harder a life you live, the harder life will live on you. There's something to be said for keeping that in mind the next time I think I have too much homework, or I'm sad because my boyfriend has been making trips without me the past few weekends and we haven't spent a weekend together in our new home, or I'm distracted because we just closed on a condo and there's so much setting up to be done...

Postlet 4

2009-04-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

In my head -- "Again", by Janet Jackson; possibly terribly depressing lyrics, pretty music, no clue why it started up this morning...

My brain is pretty empty lately, it seems. Over the past few weeks, I've started a couple of entries, only to later come back to them and decide they weren't worth finishing. I often get these ideas which, superficially, are not at all related to emotional or spiritual ponderings, and once upon a time I used to write a lot about these sorts of things. I used to be funny and witty, too. That has died down a bit, though it seems to be resurfacing. For some reason, though, the past few entries I've started just haven't cut it. My most recent idea was on libraries and e-readers, and this train of thought takes me to an interesting place, somewhere along the way merging with Tyler Durden's vision --

In the world I see - you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center. You'll wear leather clothes that will last you the rest of your life. You'll climb the wrist-thick kudzu vines that wrap the Sears Tower. And when you look down, you'll see tiny figures pounding corn, laying strips of venison on the empty car pool lane of some abandoned superhighway.

I'm gonna stick with it, and hopefully something will show up here soon...

Blowin' in the wind

2009-04-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I could just wear a sign on my forehead or around my neck that says "Please just leave me alone today." I would wear that sign today. I'm at work, and I know there are work things to be done, I know. Send me an email or something. I just don't feel like listening to people's voices and to see people looking at me and trying to dump more bullshit work on me. Just send an email. I'll do it. That's why I showed up today. But dammit, please just leave me alone. You see the look on my face? Well, I *don't* want to talk about it, and even if I did, I don't want to talk to *you* about it. I just want to disappear into the wind and blow around for a little while, maybe a few months if that's possible. I want to lose the defining boundaries of myself and just fade away into something else for while. Something that just *is* and just *does*, like the wind. The wind doesn't want anything, doesn't ask for anything, doesn't need anything, isn't lonely or unfulfilled. It exists and is entirely complete in its existence. Although, I do find it interesting that my particular example choice, wind, is not an actual 'solid' object itself, but merely a disturbance pattern, like the arms in a spiral galaxy. I wonder if this means something... Technically I guess the wind *does* need something in order to exist. Without the stuff it blows around, there would be no wind. Hmm...

Postlet 3 -- The Color of Frozen Water

2009-03-07T13:26:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week, it snowed here in Boston. I would say damn near a foot, really. Anyway, the following day was a snow day -- public schools closed, and I didn't have to go to work, yay! -- and I had time to do stuff like clean my room a little and go to the gym. It was great. On my walk back from the gym, in simple tennis shoes with breathable fabric and traipsing about through the snow, I kept looking down at the accumulated inches of frozen water beneath my feet, and I noticed something subtle and beautiful. In some places, tiny caverns had developed, where someone placed their foot or a shovel or their car. In the shadows of the snow, there was a slight blue tint, and at first I didn't think it was really there, but then I kept seeing it as I walked. And it was the prettiest blue...
A couple years back, I went to Dublin to visit a friend. On the return flight, the plane went up north and came back down over Greenland. For what seemed hundreds of miles, there was nothing but mountainous terrain. Between mountains were these deep-blue pools, the most beautiful frozen sort of crystally blue I've ever seen. And it would not have been possible from any perspective down on the land, except during my walk through the snow...

Different types of marks...

2009-02-18T12:06:00.000-08:00

"Nothing really happens in a story," said Ben. "Stories are just words. And words are just letters. And letter are just different kinds of marks." ~Magic Beach, Crockett Johnson

How very simple of an observation...
People get so wrapped up in words, in speaking whatever words "come to mind". Words take over, and become trains of thought. I think that reinforces my appreciation for a large and varied vocabulary. It allows us to mold conversation to our thoughts, as opposed to what I see as a trend to limit ourselves by molding thoughts to simple and sometimes vulgar words, thereby limiting our mental capacity and function. Some may find an erudite vocabulary to be pretentious, and I'll admit that I sometimes think people are showing off, but that's mainly because I'm jealous and I wish I had the same breadth in my verbal repertoire...
Now, I think this is why writing is typically different for most people. I've heard many a friend or peer state that their writing vocabulary far exceeds their spoken vocabulary. It makes sense, really. When you are speaking with someone, there is usually not much time to consider and think before reacting with more speech. When you are writing, however, the driving force is thought, and you usually have time to reach wayyyyyyyy back in the rolodex for a $20 word to make yourself seem more thoughtful, like you're writing with strong intent.

Totally zen...

2009-02-10T06:08:00.000-08:00

The fact that you are willing to say, ''I do not understand, and it is fine,'' is the greatest understanding you could exhibit. ~Wayne Dyer

I've decided. Fuck. It. I am happy with this boy, and it is all new and wonderful to me, and I am going to enjoy it. Last night I was writing in my journal, and I used that as an opportunity to sorta draft what I wanted to post.

Do I seriously think he's trying to make me fill the empty spot in his life that she left so that he can relive their history and perhaps live out whatever future he wanted with her?
Well, I don't want to believe that about him, and I don't *feel* like that around him. I certainly do not want to be a stand-in, and I think he knows that and loves and respects me enough to let that not be the case. Something in my mind is waiting for my enjoyment of such a partnership to be ripped out from under me. And honestly, can't we say that I, too, am looking to fill a hole in my life, a perceived hole in my spirit? I desire to reach a point where I am not so caught up in my physical existence that my relationships with people become something upon which I depend for my happiness (read "peace"). I desire that these relationships are a source of exploration, wonder, and enjoyment in my life. I think that people get caught up in the idea that beauty in the world, that perfection, that "happiness" means a particular chemical reaction in the brain. In truth, I believe the quotation at the beginning of this post basically says it all. Nothing is completely attainable, and that is the one truth, the true beauty, the true perfection in this world. Sometimes we will be sad, angry, hungry, afraid, happy, lustful, enchanted by another. It is the nature of this physical existence, the movement of energy, a part of the ultimate Truth. And that is beautiful. I seek to find peace in this.

Wayne Dyer said that he once heard an idea that really struck a chord in him --- "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." In my heart I believe this is true, and in my mind it makes sense. If I am looking at things expecting superficial beauty and immediate convenience and happiness via drug therapy to be important, then that is what I will find, and that is how I will exist. However, if I can disconnect myself from the idea that fate is out to get me, that fate actually revolves around me, and if I can contemplate my existential self and the universe as a whole, I believe that I will come to realize what true beauty and true perfection are, and how woefully misconstrued these ideas are by our species lately. Assuming we do not seek to obtain and withhold from the world, I believe peace is available to us all.

This is the tip of the iceberg, really. Our existence here in this physical form is 'complicated', a word we like to use when we're not sure what thought or action should come next. There are many things to be considered, and I am currently busy at work and without the time at the moment. The fact that I find it necessary to curb my thinking in order to devote my energies to a job which is meaningless and unfulfilling is one such example of a thing/problem to be considered...

Boo, personal history available online...

2009-02-08T21:43:00.000-08:00

I've decided to add a new element to my posting 'routine'. Particularly when I'm upset, I tend to put brain vomit on the page, and then immediately post, later realizing that while there is some truth to what I've written, I don't necessarily want to hang onto it. Last night, for reasons which I cannot grasp and therefore am unable to explain, I went a-searchin' online for something to indulge my curiosity. Oh, I think I found it. And I think that the anxiety I've been living in the past few months is still there, waiting quietly. So, I typed up and posted the following:

Just a side note, I do not enjoy happening upon (to be read "searching for and finding") people's history, including expressions of love and happiness and desire and commitment, online. I must enjoy torturing myself, for some strange and wicked reason. But anyway... The insecurity is mostly gone, replaced at the moment by curiosity and a desire to prove to myself that things really are f&cked up so that when it all falls apart, I won't be left with nothing. (Hmm, where did I say that insecurity had gone??) I don't like the feeling of being a replacement, a repeat. Is it really so bad to not want to fill the same shoes and walk the same path that someone else once did in another's past? Can't I have my own in his life, now? Why do I need to make room for myself?
Well, I certainly don't wanna start down this path and invite the can of worms to pop open again. Plus, I've actually been feeling much better lately, having seemingly proven my suspicions and senses to be wildly off the mark.
{sigh} *My* past is so far away...

There's truth there, I don't doubt it. But it's old truth, on my part and on his, isn't it? Why do I keep indulging it? I do not wish to be so hateful. In fact, I wish to be so lacking in hatefulness that I am overcome with such an abundance of love and compassion and peace that I cannot keep it to myself...

Postlet -- Death

2009-02-08T12:49:00.000-08:00

In my rush to clear out these supposed "cobwebs" I thought I had here, I got rid of some entries which I now wish I had merely edited instead of deleted. One was on death, and the other was on love. I'll broach the love subject later. For now, I just looked back in my email for some posting prompts, and found one that I want to share here, in wild contrast to the post I deleted on my fear and preoccupation with the subject...
A couple months ago, a retired professor from where I work died. Dr. Jules Aarons was a famous space physicist, but also a photographer, with exhibits and collections housed around Boston. The day that he died, he spent a last few hours with a close friend and long-time colleague, Prof. Michael Mendillo. They spent a quiet afternoon, with coffee and pastries, and conversation. When I heard about this, apparently all I could think was how beautiful that was. At the moment, that feeling I can vaguely recall escapes me, but I still see the beauty. He spent his last day with a friend, and enjoyed it. And how lucky for his friend, to be able to give such a wonderful gift.
About 3 years ago, my grandfather died. From everyone who was there the night it happened, including my father, it seemed as though he waited until my father showed up before deciding it was OK to let go. My father put some music on and held him until he passed. Sometimes there's such beauty, such peace, such an awareness of connection in death. In that respect, why can't we all be dying everyday?

Postlet 1

2009-01-21T18:45:00.000-08:00

So, over Christmas, Rob (the bf) and I traveled between NJ and VA visiting each other's family. It was a great trip, and I sincerely do believe it helped to solidify something that I apparently knew was there from the moment I met him. Anyway, it was great. During the drives (we broke it up into a couple of 4-5hr drives), Rob had the idea that we could listen to audiobooks. I found that I really like that. We listened to some of Sense and Sensibility, from this awesome site, librivox.org. Anyway, I realized that my iPod shuffle could hold an entire text (~500Mb), so I decided to think about stuff I'd want to hear, stuff that I could easily listen to on the bus (not demanding too much attention), stuff that's easy enough to stop and not really lose my place (so poetry seemed natural), and I was in the mood to feel ... cultured, intellectual. Naturally I settled on Leaves of Grass. Best idea I've ever had (I may be exaggerating...). It's been great. Whitman goes all over the map, but does spend a lot of time on being human, and part of the world, and enjoying it, and being one with the universe. I really do love it, and identify with a lot of it. Why do so many people think that beauty or adoration has to be for something pretty, something 'kosher' (to basically incorrectly use the word), something easy? Anyway, I find myself catching bits I want to recall, and making note. Here's one such bit:

All is a procession;
The universe is a procession, with measured and beautiful motion.

Find peace in being one with the procession.

Untitled 1

2009-01-20T08:38:00.000-08:00

I was clearing out some old refuse emails and found the following, as a note to myself for a potential post here:
"The Orchestra of the Swiss Romande is currently holding auditions. By the end of this summer, I could be playing music in Geneva..."
{sigh}
I keep getting these traces of an idea for something to think about and write about here, sentences like little seeds to plant, and then they fade away. I need to do more flow writing, more "note to self"-taking. Every once in a while, I take the time to write it out, usually in an email to myself. I found the following, from October:

I find it interesting how my office at work tends to be that of commiserator and confidant. Without realizing it (either myself or those around me, most of them anyway), I have related to others in such a way that inspires them with trust and confidence in my ability to function as a safe conduit for expressing anger, frustration, etc. with bosses and coworkers. I've been this way my whole life, now that I think about it. I suppose this bodes well for my goals of becoming a therapist of some sort?

I've been super insecure lately, not sure if it's just in life in general, or because of my new (3 months strong) relationship. It's recent, within the last month, but it's bad. I feel like I have to compete with his ex, for what, I'm not sure. I don't really think he's "doing anything" with her, or that he particularly wants to, but she's entered into conversation and our general world several times lately, and somewhere along the way I began to feel threatened, compared. I don't like it, and he knows this. So last night he decides to invite her to a party that a mutual friend of mine and his is having this weekend. This friend told him several weeks ago to invite his ex because she and our friend are also sort of friends.
I don't like it, at all. And now I don't want to go to the party. If she goes, I really just think it will ruin my night. I understand that this sounds immature, petty, silly. And you know what? I hate that. But I'm not sure when my own feelings and emotional state/distress became so low on the list of priorities that I have to suck it up for everyone else all the time. Fuck it.

Oh, now I've written myself into being pissed off about it. This is great. Maybe I'll start acting surly, flippant, contrary. Maybe I'll throw myself into my classwork! Won't this be wonderful?

I find the second bit to be amusing, my writing or "voice", that is. Perhaps it's just my own weaknesses, but my insecurity tends to come up a lot in this relationship. Every time I talk myself out of it, something happens that brings it right back. And every time I think I've figured it out, it turns out to not really be *the* answer. What's even more difficult for me is that I haven't too often been wrong about the "bad" stuff, especially this kind. I hope this is the one situation in my life that brings my pride and faith in my senses to a crashing halt...

Greetings, any remaining faithful...

2008-11-28T16:08:00.000-08:00

I'm still here!

I'm sitting on my bed, it's Friday evening, black beans are boiling on the stove and one of my cats is having bath-time next to me. I miss posting online. I used to do it a lot, and I enjoyed it. My life has been so distracted lately. Anyway, I decided to sorta start all over here. I deleted several older posts which I may possibly regret, but my reasoning behind doing it was to clean out all the cobwebs. A lot of what I had written came from a place which I do not think exists in me anymore, and while I want to remember it so as to not repeat it, I do not want to hang onto it. Ya feel me?

I also deleted my intro post. It was silly, kinda dorky. Again, not who I am *at all* ... ;)
I kept two posts which have inspired me upon rereading them. The one about love is awfully suited to me right now. And the one about the end of the summer just makes me feel warm and happy (as opposed to New England's _cold_ and happy in November...) and reminds me that there's something in me for which I've been waiting to show itself for so long...

Things going on in my life, in order of how long it's been around:
1) job I do not like but which affords me free tuition for the time being...
2) master's program in social work
3) boyfriend
4) getting back into a routine which includes the gym and making my own food, instead of buying...

Just letting you know what's up with me. I'll be back soon, I really do promise.
Peace

The most wonderful time of the year?

2008-08-31T15:23:00.000-07:00

Hmm ... I'm sitting out on my balcony, and it's August 31st. That means tomorrow will be a sh!tstorm of moving trucks, people new to the area parking where they shouldn't, people leaving crap on the sidewalks, no trash/recycles pick-up, excited undergrads having stupid day-before-classes-start parties.
I can sit here now and enjoy the beauty and quiet, though. This is my favorite time of year, really. The end of August through mid-September. There's this golden light at sunset, it's beautiful. And it makes everything it touches beautiful --- houses, industrial parks, garbage heaps, city blocks, overgrown front yards, old concrete buildings. It's at this time of evening that I enjoy going for walks, or apple-picking, or scenic drives, you know? {sigh} I love it.
There's a soft, cool wind blowing. One of my cats (MY cat, actually) is out here with me, and he keeps chasing the same two flies around, like he's some big, bad lion. So cute. It's a lovely evening.

Oh, and I think I have a boyfriend, now. Weird...
I'll just give in and use his name, now. It's Rob.

Epiphany

2008-05-04T13:32:00.000-07:00

Song: "Sugar in the Honey", Hopewell [Where are they from?]
"When you're raised on detergent, well it's hard, it's hard to stay clean."

[This will have been written while I was sitting at a gate in Logan, waiting to get on my flight to Buffalo, on 6 April 2008.]

Getting to the airport was not as stressful an ordeal as it usually is, and as I always expect it to be, now. Anyway, I'm here, with my laptop on, unable to connect to the Internet because Logan sucks like that (They charge for daily Internet passes; wtf good is a daily pass for me, since I'm only going to be here for an hour? ANYway...), listening to some tunes on iTunes. Man, am I ever glad that by plugging in headphones, the speakers on this thing disable themselves. Dynamite Hack's "Boyz N The Hood" is on, and while I do find it to be hilarious, it's got some questionable language and topics in it. Looking for a good time? Check out that song. It's funny, no joke. They covered Eazy E, and in the process made it obvious how ridiculous a lot of that gangsta rap sounds.
So, back to the point at hand, as I walked through security this morning, this couple and their children were in front of me, on their way to some international destination. I sat down to put my shoes back on, and the husband was standing in front of me. I looked at him, and he looked ridiculous, to me. His clothes made him look like some outdoor/fitness geek, and he had those little ankle socks on with tennis shoes and shorts that came to about midway between his knees and hips. Can you see it? At this very same moment, I realized that he and his wife have children, meaning they've had sex. Well, maybe they were not his children, maybe he and his wife have a marriage of convenience and of no passion. Whatever, it's all theorizing. The point is, people like him, out there in the world, have found a partner in life. People like him are passionate about someone who is just as passionate about him. Someone out there looks at this man, ridiculous to me in his clothes, and feels their pulse quicken, their heart pound, their lungs gasp for air. Someone wants to share their body with him completely. And that's beautiful. Simply, and entirely. Beautiful. And it reminds me that no matter what sort of images are put up in popular magazines, no matter what sort of stories are written into popular movies, life is our very own to live. Love is our very own to find, and there are no rules, no pre-reqs. Just a soul, searching for another soul, and each finally being at peace one they've found each other.